Wonderful!

Somehow, SOMEHOW, we created a podcast episode that is just as long as the hour-long episode of television that we're recapping. Which like, at this point, I don't even know if you can call that a recap, really. I think this might actually be a remake.

WHAT A GOOD EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR!!! We were very excited to talk about the good, good families that these women have, and how Nick is going to systematically disappoint them as we reach this season's final stretch. Join us, won't you?

It's Go-Homes week on the Bachelor as Nick narrows down the roster to this season's Final Four. Which, of course, means this episode was kind of lame -- BUT -- we got a big surprise announcement in the form of confirmation of the next Bachelorette! Join us as we just freak the hell out about it.

We don't know where to even begin talking about this episode. It was seriously the most bizarre two hours of programming this franchise has ever put together, complete with inscrutable plot twists and 180-degree tonal shifts that changed the course of the season with virtually no explanation. It's a wild, wild ride, and we're gonna guide you through it.

There's dark clouds on the horizon, but we're not focused on those -- instead, we're keeping our eyes on the delightful moments of yesterday's episode of The Bachelor. Namely, when a bunch of women were INSPIRITED BY A SPECTRAL CHILD.

HEEEEYYYYYYYYY DO YOU ALL LIKE CORRRRRRRRNNNNN?!?!?! This is a Corn-heavy episode, because the Bachelor has become a television show that's exclusively about Corn, and her wayward journey to find love.

Did we all communally experience last night's episode of The Bachelor in a group fever dream? Did we really witness a Backstreet Boys dance-off, a floating post-yartz smooch and a bouncy castle hook-up? IS THIS THE MATRIX? ARE WE IN THE MATRIX?

Where to begin? This episode of The Bachelor was an absolute barn burner -- we had competition, heartbreak, and more cringeworthy interactions than we ever dreamed one two-hour television episode could contain. Hold onto your butts, and also someone else's butt, because that's the order of the day, folks.

AW HELL YEAH. It's a new season of The Bachelor, and to celebrate, we've joined forces with the Maximum Fun network. Welcome to our new listeners! Just a heads up: We don't usually talk about the elemental composition of vaginas as much as we do in this one. It's a very special occasion.

PREPARE FOR BLASTOFF. We're diving into the details and stats of ALL 30 of the contestants for the upcoming season of The Bachelorette. Will Nick Viall, that milk-fed beauty, find love this time around? Like they always say, the third time's the charm! And if it isn't, then fuck it, give 'em a fourth time. Let's keep throwing this dude-spaghetti at the wall until he sticks.

We're about to hop right into another season of the Bachelor -- but before we do, we wanted to take a trip through time to revisit the very first season of this beloved television franchise. We're gonna party like it's 2002. Which means we're ALL getting our hair straightened.

Here's the situation: We didn't really have time to watch a reality dating show and prepare an episode for you this week. In lieu of our regular topic of conversation, we're talking about a different dating story, which is to say, our own. It's about to get vulnerable as heck up in here.

We're back from our week of parental absence, and we're here to serve as exasperating ambassadors to our new favorite television show on Earth: Terrace House: Boys and Girls in the City.

Our time with The Bachelorette Canada draws to a close in this week's Rose Buddies. Who's getting down on one knee? Who's going to win Jasmine's heart? Who the hell is the Canadian equivalent of Neil Lane? All this and more inside.

We're talking about a blissfully brief Men Tell All episode of The Bachelorette Canada this week, and preparing ourselves emotionally for the season's upcoming finale. We're going to miss you, Canada. Desperately.

We spend the first ten minutes of this hour-long podcast just rambling about straight-up garbage, which we hope you can forgive us for. After that, though: The hard work of deciding between the two final boys of The Bachelorette Canada!

It's Hometowns time! Canadian Hometowns are just like our American Hometowns, as it turns out, except the families are extra polite, and also there's only three of them. Come here us rank these folks' actual human families, and discuss the merits of a new, surprisingly educational YouTube channel.

The Bachelorette Canada is really getting down to the wire now, as Jasmine tries to whittle the list of boys down to a tight three before hometowns. Who will succumb to the BLOOD SACRIFICE?!?! Nah, we're just playing. Everything turns out pretty okay.

Alright, so, this one goes off on some WILD tangents, but we think they're worth pursuing. When not talking about the chart-topping hits of the late 90s, we also dive into this week's episode of The Bachelorette Canada!

Boy howdy, what a challenging episode. Between the non-stop gags, original music and foot-smoochin', our skeletons had a REAL hard time staying up in our bodies while watching Bachelorette Canada. But we stuck with it, because we know how bad you need this.